cantrell70's blog, page 27

Online nowCantrell70: Don is a 59 year old married guy from Blacksburg, Virginia, USA.; Likes 4,906 pages, 1,169 videos, 528 photos • 108 fans • Received 33 reviews; Member since May 18, 2007

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Aug 15, 2007 12:27pm: Sunday Morning Sex!

I will never hear church bells ringing again without
smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparents' house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother, and
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people
nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble!

'Oh no, my dear,' replied Granny. 'Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued.

'He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't
come along.'

Aug 15, 2007 12:23pm: A HUSBAND SAT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

Aug 15, 2007 12:12pm: AN OLD COWBOY . . .

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Aug 15, 2007 12:07pm: Two older men are playing a round of golf. One turns to the second and mentions that he is seeing Dr. Jones later to get his new dentures.

The second man relates that he saw the same dentist two years ago for his new dentures.

The first man asks, " Did he do a good job? "

The second man says, " Yesterday I was playing a round of golf and a guy on the ninth tee hooked his drive, that ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me right in the balls. "

Confused, the first man asks, " What's getting hit in the balls with a golf ball have to do with your dentures ? "

The second guy says, " It was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt. "

Aug 15, 2007 12:05pm: Update on Joe Arpaio

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO

HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF
AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER

THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio

(In Arizona)

who created the

"Tent City Jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then He Started

Chain Gangs For Women

So He Wouldn't Get

Sued For

Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until

he found out there was

A

Federal Court Order

that

Required Cable TV For Jails.

So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again

Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.

When asked why the weather channel

He Replied,

So They Will Know

How Hot It's Gonna Be

While They Are Working

ON

My Chain Gangs.

He Cut Off Coffee

Since It Has

Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This Isn't

The Ritz/Carlton.

If You Don't Like It,

Don't Come Back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter

Than Usual In Phoenix

(116 Degrees Just Set A New Record),

the Associated Press Reports:

About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment

At The

Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued

Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached

138 Degrees

Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.

"It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,"

Said James Zanzot,

An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year.

"It's Inhumane."

Joe Arpaio,

the tough-guy sheriff

who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic

He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 Degrees In Iraq And

Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too,

And They Have To

Wear Full Battle Gear,

But

They Didn't Commit Any Crimes,

So Shut Your Damned Mouths!"

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one

there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders.

Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it.

Sheriff Joe

was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

Aug 15, 2007 11:57am: "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

Aug 15, 2007 11:31am: BEWARE OF THIS ONE

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were
born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to
you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well
darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no -
not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just
hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Aug 15, 2007 11:25am: The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it
on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun
when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to
cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck
yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
won a major upset and began mocking the French by
waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
saying, 'See, we can still pluck yew!' Since 'pluck
yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually
changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute! It is also because of the
pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.