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Mar 15, 6:58pm
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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at the pawn shop that sparked my interest as something different as a gift for my wife for our 15th anniversary. What I found was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. 'WAY TOO COOL! So, I bought the device & brought it home.
So, here I am home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? As I sat in my recliner reading the directions & started thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand & taser in another. They stated that a one-second burst would shock & disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms & a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.... All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "there's no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie (our cat) looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button . . .HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up out of the recliner & body slammed us both on the carpet repeatedly.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-GUN... that hurt like HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up & surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace (How did they get up there?). My triceps, right thigh & both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles & offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
MORAL OF THIS LESSON: "If you think Education is difficult, try being Stupid...."
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Mar 15, 5:54pm
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Life is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once ------- by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
been divorced three times.'
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Mar 15, 5:06pm
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Don't mess with little old ladies!
chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf [chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf]
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Mar 15, 4:54pm
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Old Harold
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold
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Mar 15, 4:37pm
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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...
8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
12. God, now I know why I am not gay.
And the best one of all.
13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
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Mar 15, 4:18pm
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UNUSUAL FUNERAL
A man was leaving a convenience store with his
morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the
second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a
leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second
hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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Mar 15, 10:25am
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